New Year jokes and funny quotes – drop the ball and raise a toast! Make it a comical celebration. Get high on jokes and you won’t get a hangover.
Leave your own New Year’s humor or feedback in the Comments box.
Cartoon by Bob Kroeker, Froggy Bottom Productions, Kansas City
Funny New Year Quotes
Group 1
How you elect to spend New Year’s Eve will depend on your:
1. age
2. remaining levels of optimism
3. threshold of pain
– Joseph Connolly
Every New Year’s I have the same question: “How did I get home?”
– Melanie White
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
– Bill Vaughan
On New Years, just remember: if your cup runneth over, you’ve probably reached your limit.
– Melanie White
Hoping this will be the year they drop Ryan Seacrest from that building in Times Square.
– Just Bill @WilliamAder
New Year Jokes:
Group 2
Heartwarming Miami tradition: Asking people not to shoot guns into the air on New Year’s Eve.
– Dave Barry
Wait a second, there’s ANOTHER year? I have to do it all over again???
– Jake Vig @Jake_Vig
I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It’s a nice reminder of what I did all year.
– Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
I like New Years. The confetti covers up my dandruff.
– Melanie White
Every New Years I resolve to lose 20 pounds, and I do. The problem is that I gain 30.
– Melanie White
New Year Jokes:
Group 3
I think it’s great to make your first date a New Year’s party. That way, you’re at least sure you’ll get to first base.
– Melanie White
My
grandparents had resolutions like donating more time & money to
charities. I’ve decided to make my own coffee once a week.
– Erica @SCbchbum
Every New Years I celebrate making it through another holiday season without killing my relatives.
– Melanie White
My new year’s resolution is to get better at pretending to know the words to Auld Lang Syne.
– waitwait @waitwait
New Year’s Eve, when auld acquaintances be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
– Jay Leno
This Might Just Save Your Party…
New Year Jokes:
Group 4
A new years resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
– Anonymous
This New Years I’m going to make a resolution I can keep: no dieting all year long.
– Melanie White
Women get a little more excited about New Years Eve than men do. It’s like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you’re not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date.
– Jay Leno
My New Year’s resolution is to eat better, so from now on, I’m going to only date guys who can afford to take me somewhere other than McDonalds.
– Melanie White
If you make a New Year’s resolution to eat a healthy diet, and you keep it, you won’t actually live longer, but it will seem longer.
– Greg Tamblyn
New Year Jokes:
Group 5
Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.
– Bill Vaughan
This New Years I resolved to lead a better life. Now all I have to do is find someone who will trade lives with me.
– Melanie White
May you find the strength to write, “Who is this?” to all the strange numbers that text you “Happy New Year!” tonight.
– Damien Fahey @DamienFahey
Who has time to party on New Year’s Eve? It takes me all evening to set my clocks ahead a year.
– Just Bill @WilliamAder
Miami asks residents not to celebrate New Year by shooting into the air, because the bullets will come back down.
– Dave Barry @rayadverb
New Years parades have a lot in common with Santa Claus. Nobody is awake to see either one of them.
– Melanie White
New Year Jokes:
Group 6
Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn’t it, of a long line of proven criminals?
– Ogden Nash
This New Years I was going to make a resolution never to be late again, but I didn’t wake up until January 2nd.
– Melanie White
“Out with the old, in with the new” is a fitting expression for a holiday that is based on vomiting.
– Andy Borowitz
Usually my main goal at a New Year’s party is to remember who I came with.
– Melanie White
Deer readers, my gnu years resolution is to tell you a gazelleon times how much I caribou you! Sorry. Bad puns. Alpaca bag and leave.
– Greg Tamblyn
My New Years resolution is to try to remember why I’ve walked into a room.
– Rodney Lacroix @moooooog35
I see no need to make more New Year’s resolutions when the ones already on the books aren’t being enforced.
– John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets
Group 7
My New Year’s resolution is to take all the Christmas lights down by Easter.
– Melanie White
My brother’s New Year’s resolution is to move out of my parents house. You’d think after 49 years he’d try another one.
– Wickedwordslinger @StephenBCramer
10…9…8…7…6…I think we should see other people…5…4…3…2…1…
Jake Vig @Jake_Vig
Help yourself. I’ve got a whole drawerful of resolutions I’m not using.
– Annie Hatfield @HatfieldAnne
A New Year’s resolution is a promise to stop doing everything you enjoy most.
– Unknown Author
As
the year draws to a close, happy revelers jam New York’s Times Square
to watch the traditional dropping of the illuminated ball, while in
Denver a mellower throng gathers to ring in the new year with the
lighting of the 200-Foot Doobie.
– Dave Barry
I guess the Mayans are wondering what all the excitement is about.
– Just Bill @WilliamAder
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.
– Joey Adams
Have a happy, healthy, fantastic, and funny new year!
Go back from “New Year Jokes” to “Anniversary Jokes”
Or back to the Home Page: “Funny Jokes, Funny Quotes, Funny Sayings”
<