There Funny Thanksgiving quotes are better than Pepto Bismol Pie, and there’s not a turkey in the bunch. Help yourself to seconds and thirds.
Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
Group 1
If there’s a better way of showing thanks than eating a large bird followed by pie, I’d like to see it.
– Jake Vig @Jake_Vig
It’s not Thanksgiving until your backyard game of touch football ends with Grandma being put into concussion protocol
– Zack @Mr_Kapowski
Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.
– John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets
Fifty shades of gravy
– JaimieAlleyWho @jaimiealley
Serious Thanksgiving question: when a family member’s telling a tragic story and everyone’s crying, how long should i wait before taking a bite of my pie?
– beth likes pie, so @bourgeoisalien
Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
Group 2
Kids: “Thanksgiving is boring.”
Me: “Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.”
Kids: “YAY!”
– Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy
Having thanksgiving with the in-laws and apparently we’re all very thankful for our smartphones.
– HammBone @hammbone84
“Thanksgiving was better in prison.” – Uncle Spike, every year since his parole
– Untastic Mr. Fitz @UnFitz
Thank God I can start calling this my “holiday weight”.
– Just Bill @WilliamAder
Leftover pie is the only thing I’ll be fighting for on Black Friday.
– Jawbreaker @sixfootcandy
Relationship Status: Stuffing the Thanksgiving turkey without innuendo or irony.
– Ham on Wry @HeyZeus666
Group 3
Native American: Great meal. So, how long you guys planning on staying?
Pilgrim: Um….
My Thanksgiving wish is that every time someone says they ate so much they’re going to explode, they actually do.
– Guy Endore-Kaiser @GuyEndoreKaiser
If anyone from my family asks, I accepted an early invitation to have Thanksgiving with you guys. Don’t worry, I’ll be at Denny’s again.
– Sëã Tęâ @Tierno158
Fun Prank: Once people are finished, tell them your signature Thanksgiving Bloody Mary gets most of its’ flavor from raw turkey gizzards.
– Martin Munson @wickedimproper
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
– Grant Tanaka @GrantTanaka
Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
Group 4
I love Thanksgiving! When else can you eat too much and watch football? Except for like every weekend.
– Ellen DeGeneres @TheEllenShow
Thanksgiving recipe for Rick:
Preheat man cave to 72 degrees
Set TV to football
Stuff with turkey
Let rest for 10-12 hours.
– Rick Aaron @RickAaron
Would love to have just one Thanksgiving without getting into an argument during dinner that leads to me being ejected from Denny’s
– Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
Note to self: when they ask you what you’re thankful for, don’t just list off your prescriptions.
– emily lime @emilylime
Every Thanksgiving I bring the champagne, because in my family we all know what our strengths are
– Gloria Fallon @GloriaFallon123
Funny Quotes About Thanksgiving
Group 5
I had to buy another pie because I still have whipped cream left…
I don’t make the rules.
– WhatserName™ @IamEveryDayPpl
If your in-laws are coming for Thanksgiving now is a good time to start brining the turkey in your tears.
– Rick Aaron @RickAaron
Just got a Happy Thanksgiving e-mail from my gastroenterologist.
– Damien Fahey @DamienFahey
Sorry about last year, when I gave your Thanksgiving dinner a bad Yelp review, but those potatoes were “whipped,” not “mashed.”
– Just Bill @WilliamAder
The sweet nostalgia of Thanksgiving when we all admire Nana’s prized soup tureen, which she brought with her when she emigrated from Sears.
– Annie Hatfield @HatfieldAnne
I love spending Thanksgiving surrounded by all these great friends I met in the Best Buy parking lot.
– John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets
Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
Group 6
I’m thankful for each and every one of you. Now stop hiding in the broom closet reading tweets and get back with your family.
– Ellen DeGeneres @TheEllenShow
The doctor told me I can’t drive a forklift on the medication he prescribed. And like that, my Thanksgiving is completely ruined
– Bridger Winegar @bridger_w
Thanksgiving would be better if the pilgrims had shot a lobster and the Indians brought French fries.
– C’est la vie @Robert_Beau
Just because I put too much alcohol in the cranberry sauce doesn’t mean you & uncle Gary can use it for Jello shots before dinner.
– @Henry_3k @Henry_3k
Happy Thursday to all my Canadian friends.
– Tony™ @tsm560
Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
Group 7
Thanksgiving journal, Day 3: Have come to regard eating pie 3-5 times a day as normal. Wearing a bed sheet as a toga because nothing fits.
– John Lyon @JohnLyonTweets
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
– De Nada Donna @Donna_McCoy
Fun game: Text your mom on Thanksgiving afternoon “How many minutes do I microwave a 25lb frozen turkey?”
– Marlebean @Marlebean
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
– Annie Hatfield @HatfieldAnne
Before Thanksgiving guests arrive, wedge a chair under the hall closet door knob and, when they ask about it, nervously change the subject.
– Just Bill @WilliamAder
Not full yet? Try these:
Thanksgiving Jokes
More Thanksgiving Jokes
Thanksgiving Humor
Or go back to “Anniversary Jokes”
Or back to the Home Page: “Funny Jokes, Funny Quotes, Funny Sayings”
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